Caroline Ficken
@carolineficken in her plush pink velvet chair. You know, just to add some glamour.
-Theatre-
I hadn’t seen Caroline in almost a year. This was odd because, in the weeks before the pandemic, I was with her for many hours almost every day for months. We were doing a show at Georgia Ensemble Theatre that was lucky enough to squeak out its closing performance before the quarantine. My last “normal” show experience was spent primarily sitting next to her in our dressing room, talking about how great 2020 was going to be for the both of us.
We had no idea—none. And we are not the same people we were then. What was the same was how much I adored her kindness and earnestness. She listens to my crazy stories with rapt attention and is entirely open when with people she trusts. That is certainly why I am so devoted to her.
She is weathering this storm like all of us are — as best we can. But her best is incredible, and I’m so glad I got to ask her all about it.
She came out of the home she shared with her sister Alexandra Ficken to talk. Allie sat with and maybe threw her two cents in every once in a while so enjoy her company as well.
Interviewed 2.27.21
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
Casey: First and foremost, how are you doing today?
Caroline: I am good. I went to bed early last night because I was just exhausted and then I woke up at 3:00 a.m., wrote a project paper and was up until 8:00, went back to bed, and then woke up at 10:30 with (my sister) Allie being like, "What time's Casey coming?" I was like, "What day is it?" So, my sleep schedule is a little whacked, but I'm happy to be here.
Casey: I want to go ahead and jump right into that. Why are you not sleeping very much?
Caroline: Well, I'm in school now. I am getting my Master of Arts and Writing in Digital Communication at Agnes Scott College in Decatur, Georgia.
Casey: What does that mean? What does that degree allow you to do?
Caroline: Well, I'm still in the early stages of figuring that out, but I know I want to do something along the lines of digital storytelling or creative communications. I'm kind of doing a huge, big shift in my career, and it's been good and scary. But I just kind of jumped on the opportunity to do it when I saw it, and so far, it's been a roller coaster of like, "Oh, is this the right thing to do? I don't know." So sometimes there are nights where I wake up at 3:00 a.m., and I can't rest my head. So I just get up and do work until the sun's coming up and I'm a little more relaxed, and I'll go to bed for another two hours.
Casey: You said you jumped on this opportunity when you saw it, but had you been thinking about a massive career change?
Caroline: So, no. You know, 2020, the beginning of it, I was in my first show. I booked my first gig.
Casey: With me.
Caroline: Yes, with you. (My sister) Allie had just bought this place and I had just moved in with her. So I felt like I was really on the cusp of building my community, and then Covid happened. … I've been performing since I was four and then wanting to act since I was in fourth grade. I remember when I was like, "I want to be an actor," and that pressure always stayed there.
So I booked a show, felt accomplished, and then everything shut down, and for the first time, I was like, "I don't feel like I'm falling behind. I don't feel like I'm not doing enough, because nothing's happening." It was the biggest relief of my life. That sounds really dramatic. I don't mean it to, but it was the biggest weight off my shoulders when I knew none of it was happening and we were all forced to slow down. Because there was this go, go, go mentality, and when it slowed down and I could just kind of gain a different perspective, I was like, "Holy cow. I didn't realize this thing that I love so much was actually sucking the life out of me in certain aspects."
So, I really reflected on why I was feeling that. Why? I love this so much and I've enjoyed it so much. I've had some incredible moments and I went to school for it. I fucking went to school for it, and now, for some reason, I'm just so relieved it's not happening? Of course, I want it to happen, and I want people to be making a living. All that is to say, for my mental health, I was like, "Maybe I should consider something else. If this is such a relief, why am I putting this pressure on myself to do it?" And it's such an unrequited love, too.
Casey: Yeah, it does not give anything back.
Caroline: Yeah. And I saw that, and not being able to see friends or even be able to build a community, I was like, "What do I want my life to look like when this is over?" I've watched Allie, you know, I watched her in the industry. I knew a lot about it and the sacrifices that you make. But that incredible sense of relief was a really big wake-up call. And I was like, "If there's a time to reassess, it's now."
So around the same time, I realized I was feeling more at peace in my life even though I wasn't working and there was all this chaos. I stumbled across the program (at Agnes Scott College). I had been working as a freelance content creator and social media manager, just as my side gig throughout acting, and the degree kind of touched on that but it also opened a lot of other doors. I stumbled across it in August and kept thinking about it. Then, two months later, I sent in an application—and I worked my ass off on it. … Then I got in! I got a grant to go and I was like, "Okay, maybe this is something I'm supposed to do."
I've slowly been phasing out of the acting things, which has been really emotional because I've been wanting to do that my whole life. Then I had this really heavy discovery of — maybe I don't. And I can always maybe revisit it in the future. It's one of those beautiful things that you can come back to, no matter what life throws at you. But, for right now, it definitely felt like the right decision to explore other things. I'm really excited about it, but I'm really scared too.
Casey: I hope you know that that's an incredibly mature thought process and so inspiring — and also frustrating because everybody I talk to that's years younger than me seems to be handling this so much better than I did.
Caroline: Casey, I am not. I have had some low moments.
Casey: Of course, but you seem to have found the path through the storm.
Caroline: I think so.
Casey: You might have had the most productive time of anyone I've spoken to.
Caroline: Oh my god. Really?
Casey: Sure. Absolutely. Because you took the fact that you were feeling really relieved about not having to compete and turned it around and said, "OK, what else do I love to do, and how do we make that work when we go back?"
Caroline: Yes, and that was really what it was. Wow. Well, thank you. You just made me feel a lot better. I still don't know where I'm going with it.
Casey: Of course not, but none of us do. So know that you're doing literally everything you can. So that's freaking great.
Caroline: Thank you.
Casey: What have you been doing besides school?
Caroline: I feel like I tried every little hobby in the book. I still have a pottery kit waiting for me. I have a big paper due Tuesday, and then after that, maybe I'll crack her open. I tried everything or explored everything online from sewing clothing to making jewelry. I think there was a big social media pressure to do that. Everyone was like, "I'm creating, and I'm an entrepreneur!" And I was like, "I can't find anything that I like or am good at to make happen."
Casey: Goodie, another stressor.
Caroline: Yes. So, I did try to focus on work a little bit and content creating, because that was, I felt, one of my strengths. I have enjoyed cooking and teaching myself to cook. It's one of my favorite things to do. After my paper's done, I'm going to plan a meal that I'm going to cook, pour a glass of wine, and just whip up a storm in the kitchen, make a mess.
Casey: What do you miss about before?
Caroline: I've been taking Covid very seriously to the point where I don't see my friends, and with that, I haven't been able to establish a community.
I really miss having things to look forward to. That was kind of what got you through the week. Friday's coming, Saturdays almost here, we're going to go see pals or just have things to look forward to. I feel like every day is so similar now that it's not as exciting to wake up in the morning.
So I really miss gathering around with friends and food. That is probably one of the biggest things that I miss at the moment. When I can do it again and feel safe about that, I'm really looking forward to that because there's something about gathering around with food and friends that I find incredible and it makes me so happy. But again, I have to kind of reassess and build a friend group as well. I'm not as much looking forward to that process because making friends as an adult is really hard.
Casey: Yeah. For sure. Finally, I find myself thinking a lot about where I was a year ago, and I was with you! The first time I saw a person wearing a mask for Covid was in the audience at a performance of Leading Ladies at the Georgia Ensemble Theatre. It was this guy, he had a big black one with the ventilator on the side, and I remember cocking my head to the side and being like, "What even is that?" To think that was a year ago and our world is so different now. So I wonder, as we approach a year of the pandemic, what do you find yourself thinking about?
Caroline: At the moment, I'm constantly thinking about how I can improve my life and my relationships. I think one of the reasons I made this big transition is to kind of provide for myself. I've always wanted to be incredibly independent, but thanks to the incredible people in my life, I've been really well taken care of but also I've had to rely on them more than I like to.
I really want to get to a point where I can provide for my parents and take care of the people in my life, even if it's just like preparing dinner for them. I just really want to improve upon myself in a career that I love and be independent.
I'm ready for it to be over, Covid, and I feel like I'm not really living my life and I'm ready to do my thing. But I feel like we all feel that way.
Casey: I don't think any 24-year-old can take care of themselves completely, you know?
Caroline: I need to remember that. Yeah. I want to be able to take care of myself and not have to worry about if I'm imposing on people's lives. Or, I just don't want to take anything for granted. I want to be able to provide for myself because living without money sucks.
Casey: You don't have to tell me that.
Allie: It's a sense of ownership.
Caroline: Yeah, that is a better way to say it. I want to take control of my life.
Allie: Take the reins.
Caroline: I want to take the reins! And I feel like in the acting industry, the way I approached it, I wasn't in control. I mean, you're not in a lot of ways.
Casey: As an actor, no.
Caroline: I want to claim ownership of my life, and that's what I keep thinking about. Thank you for eloquently putting that into words.
