Ben Thorpe
@benmthorpe at his dining room table.
-Theatre-
Ben and his husband’s home is not only the epitome of style but also immaculate. I was jealous as he walked me into the kitchen, offered me some water, and motioned me to follow him into the formal dining room.
We of course talked quite a bit off the record and our interview may have meandered a bit due to either ADD or just pure excitement to see one another. I think it was a fair amount of both. We talked about everything from theatre friends, to mental health, to marriage and children, to mask fashion. And Ben made it all seem perfectly natural to jump from one topic to another.
I did the best I could with it Ben. Hope it makes sense and does you proud.
Interviewed 2.15.21
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
Casey: So first, how are you?
Ben: Today I'm good. I'm happy to see a human, which is nice. And a friendly face!
Casey: Half a face.
Ben: Half a face. The eyes, really. That's important.
Casey: How have you been generally?
Ben: Ups and downs, to be honest. I think that's very natural and I think you have to acknowledge that. At the beginning, we stopped our run of "Wayfinding" at Synchronicity, but we had gotten in two weeks of performances. I knew some people that were in rehearsals and just about to open, but we at least had a few weeks and, as a cast, we felt like it was a blessing. It was really strange. You're in that momentum of doing a show and you've got a couple of weeks left, and then all of a sudden it just stops, and then you're kind of like, "Where am I standing right now?" I was able to still work at my day job going in. It's a privilege to be able to work.
It's weird having to socialize through phones and through Zoom. It's just not the same. …I was just really down seeing the way people behaved last year in 2020 — the summer and then the protests and George Floyd and all these things that are happening. I was just so disgusted by some people's reactions.
Casey: Is it people in your own circles you were disgusted with?
Ben: For some reason I still have Facebook. I almost deleted it about 15 times during the pandemic. But I would see people post something so factually wrong or so emotionally insensitive that it brought me down. And because I didn't have a chance to go and distract myself or go out of the house — you're sitting with your phone or your thoughts so much of the time — it did get to me.
But one of the best things I was able to do, if I knew someone like a family member, was try to reach out. I felt like it was something I could do to make a statement and say something. One of the good things is that these things are so clear now. They're all out in the open: inequality, the economic, racial, just —God everything. It's all out in the open and there's no hiding it. And the people that are claiming that it's not true or that we don't need to raise the minimum wage or that this group deserves more things — you can't fight it if you look at the facts. I think it's fascinating — not fascinating, more horrifying — that some people are still going to willingly plug their ears and look the other way,
Casey: Has been married to a mental health professional helped you with any of this?
Ben: Yeah, I think so. We both watch and read the news a lot, and I think this year everybody's been watching the news a lot more. But I think one of the great things about having him is that he has the language to look at these things and not diagnose people, that's not what he's doing when he's talking about folks and their beliefs. But he is interested in the mind and the way these people work, and I think hearing him talk about it has helped. …
I think the important thing to remember is that people are in process. Knowing that people are in process, trying to be patient with those people while also trying to be kind and also telling them where you stand on issues, which is something that is very difficult. I will say, especially when you're dealing with family members or co-workers, you do have to take the moment and say, "No, that's wrong." instead of avoiding them. Just being willing to talk about it, being open to that, and having Jeff as my husband...
Casey: He's definitely a rock.
Ben: He's a rock. He's somebody that is so not in the world of the arts.
Casey: What do you miss?
Ben: One of the things that I miss is — and this sounds so dumb — is the dread of having to go out and do something, going out and having to do this thing I've had booked in my calendar or see something which is, full honestly, it's dread. But at the same time, it's exciting that I'll get to see a friend.
Casey: It feels important to have to go out.
Casey: What have you been doing to create since you haven't been able to do theatre?
Ben: I've been editing "Red: A Crayon’s Musical," which I'm hoping to get some sort of weird not-reading done in a nebulous way where it's very safe and we get some of the gang back together. We've got to send some stuff off to the author of the original book and their team, and we've done extension after extension with Out Front and Paul. So we're just waiting for things to open back up so that we can actually produce the thing. So I've been off and on doing that. I have another writing project that I'm working on with Abbie and Trevor.
Casey: I heard about that.
Ben: They approached me and asked me about doing something personalized for them. I don't want to speak too much about it because it's still very new. They've talked to me about very personal, queer-identity stuff and they asked me to help out and try to form some sort of piece for them.
Casey: They both talked about it in their interviews, too.
Ben: They did? Ok, good. The musical is kind of set in a public space, but I'm highlighting them and highlighting a relationship that isn't a queer romance. I think queer friendship is very important — queer friendship that is not between white gay people or white lesbians or binary people. That is one of the things they talked about when we started brainstorming together. I asked, "What do you want to see when everything opens up again?" And they said, "I want to see folks whose stories I haven't heard before."
Casey: I mean, you don't want to see "Our Town" again?
Ben: Oh, Jesus, God. You know, that's the thing, too. Usually, when a gay play is done outside of a usually-gay company it's about gay, traumatic experiences.
Casey: Not just being a person.
Ben: Just being gay. I guess people don't find it as interesting? If it's not about white people that are straight, then it has to have some sort of trauma or meaning. There are plenty of BIPOC playwrights who write great comedies. And I know that there are plenty of queer musicals and plays that are about modern-day living and not about specific times. I think those pieces of history are so important and they have to be remembered and they have to be put in front of audiences.
Casey: What do you think you will take out of this time? Let's hope we're almost done with the hard quarantine and that we will all be back to some sort of creative work sooner rather than another year from now.
Ben: I'm grateful for small things. I'm sure you've heard that a lot. Having to be present in the moment each day so that it doesn't blur together. It's taking the time that I've spent with Jeff, my husband, where it's really just us in this house where we get to be with each other and deepen our relationship and take that with us for years to come. The time that I've gotten to spend with Jeff has been invaluable. And the time I've gotten to think deeply about my own stuff and reflect is important, too — my own actions in the past, the present.
I'm coming up on eight years of sobriety. Who the hell would have thought that? Back when I was in college, when I moved to New York, I drank myself silly. Luckily people down here don't know that part of me. Coming up on February 21st, God-willing, it'll be a gift that I have eight years in sobriety. Throughout this year, a lot of people have been tested, and luckily I've had the support of Jeff. I've had somebody with me. I'm not isolated by myself.
Casey: So talk to me a little bit about the alcohol you keep in your house.
Ben: I do. I moved into this house in 2017, and Jeff already had everything set up and there was alcohol in here. It was one of the first things he asked me, because I was very, very honest. I'm very open about that, that I don't drink. I don't mind that people drink around me. It's not a trigger in any way for me when I see it. I've had some distance from it. I've worked in restaurants, and you have to out of necessity. Even when I was getting sober, I was working around alcohol 24/7, around people that were getting drunk, serving people who would get drunk, you know? And that's the ultimate temptation in New York, of all places, where there are bars everywhere and you can do anything at any time. Having it here in it's little cabinet — it's just part of the wall, if that makes sense? It seems like part of the furniture. It hasn't been a temptation so far. God knows what in the future.
That's the thing about sobriety, you always have to be taking inventory with yourself and you always have to be checking in with folks. It doesn't tempt me, but if it did I would talk to Jeff about it and he would be very respectful. But Jeff doesn't really drink much. We have it there for guests when they come. When my family comes we'll get it out and they can make a drink or something. We've had folks over for dinner where we encourage people to drink it because we don't and it's there. … That's the thing about homemaking is that you think you have to do these things. But entertaining with and having alcohol as an option is important, I think.
Casey: Have you been tempted at all during this shit storm of the year?
Ben: I don't because I have Jeff and I can talk it out, just expressing it, not bottling it up. For me, drinking was so much about suppressing very, very wild feelings or emotions that just as a humans are too much sometimes. But I think facing them head-on always, whether it's sadness or joy or despair, you kind of have to feel all the feelings and get through it because otherwise you're just putting it off for another day. And that buildup clogs the system.
Since getting sober I cry way more. I'll cry at a movie or I'll be watching something with Jeff and be like, "Oh that's sweet." I'm just a wreck. Especially this past year, it's like the faucet is constantly on. … I think that it's good to feel that and express it.
Casey: Is there anything else you want to share?
Ben: This year's put everything on hold. … Jeff and I were going to start a family. We'd already started the process before we got married. … Most likely, if this pandemic had not happened, knock on wood, all things going according to plan, we probably would have had a baby by now. But this whole pandemic slowed down this process. It put certain roadblocks in the very difficult, very long process of getting to hold our new baby.
One thing Jeff and I talk about all the time is practicing patience. That's the same with the drinking. Maybe that's a better answer to the question, ‘What are you going to take from this pandemic?’: Trying to practice patience with yourself, with others, with time, because there are things that are going to be in your control. There are going to be things that are so far out of your control. Do what you can and then just stay positive, I guess. Stay hopeful, not positive. Stay hopeful.
