Freddie Ashley
@thatfreddieguy with pup Ruby in his new living room.
-Theatre-
I like to think Freddie and I are friends. He is incredibly easy to talk to, and whenever I would come to Actor’s Express to take production photos, he would make sure to chat with me before the mayhem of a final dress rehearsal when there were certainly other things he could have been doing. May we get back to those days soon.
We’ve been through some harrowing tech rehearsals together. He adopted me one week at the Humana Festival when I was alone and didn’t know anyone else, and he welcomed me into his new home to meet his puppy, Ruby, who really hadn’t met anyone before because of Covid.
I like to think we are friends. And I think since Ruby ate a treat from my hand the deal is pretty much set.
Interviewed 2.18.21
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
Casey: So first and foremost, how are you doing?
Freddie: Well, I think that's such a loaded question these days. But I'm doing well. I mean, I think I'm doing as well as most other people. This whole year has been such an exercise in counting your blessings, but then also giving yourself permission to feel the things you're feeling when the stress is getting to you from the pandemic. I've had my struggles like everybody else, but I think, in the balance of things, I'm doing well.
Casey: Yeah. I mean, it's a lot of changes.
Freddie: A lot of changes, a lot of uncertainty, and I'm someone who craves stability and certainty. So to have not only my livelihood, but the health of everyone I love and the entire industry in such a state of question marks, and the potential for disaster is always around the corner — and that's not for me, specifically, it's for everybody. It's hard to feel totally secure in those circumstances.
Casey: Do you think that uncertainty has been heightened or lessened with your theater?
Freddie: Well, I think what it's forced us to do is really rethink how we can make stories and tell them and share them, with whom, and how. I think the worst of the uncertainty was really at the beginning when we just didn't know what was going to happen. Those first couple of weeks were as excruciating a situation as I've ever gone through. Certainly, I think that's true for a lot of others. Then we really had to set about finding our way. And we've gone through different digital ideas and looking at different ways of telling stories. I think it's forced us, as an industry, to think a little more innovatively. So I think it's been a double-edged sword. It has had its blessings and it's had its benefits, and there are some really positive outcomes that will ultimately come from this, I think.
Casey: Like what? What do you think we'll positively take away from this?
Freddie: Well, I think we will always be reminded about how (our) mission has to come first. That is something that has really crystallized during this year. In a way, you always know that and you always think you're doing it, but something like this puts into stark relief the places in which you weren't serving your mission as strongly as you could be. I think that has been clarifying. Any time we've done something during the pandemic that has felt a little off-mission or a little not quite what we do, it has not been successful. And the things that we've done that have been really serving the mission and upholding the mission have really connected with people.
Casey: That must be reassuring, I guess, in a way.
Freddie: It is. And it's a great reminder that everything filters through your mission, and your mission itself should be examined and investigated in a very deliberate and intentional way, frequently.
Casey: Sure. Sometimes it feels like it's not the most important thing to do when you've got seasons coming down the barrel.
Freddie: When you're in survival mode, sometimes it's easy to make decisions in a rash manner. I was talking to someone on staff this morning about that. We made a decision last year in a pretty rash way about something that ended up not quite working, but we felt this pressure to have some movement on this thing. And we realized that we were behaving out of panic and not out of intentionality, and that's always important.
Casey: To talk more about you, what have you been doing during quarantine?
Freddie: One of the things I miss more than anything is going to the movies. But during the pandemic, I have maybe watched five movies over the last year because I just can't focus on anything. I barely watch hour-long programming. I can't focus on anything for more than about a half hour. I belong to a book club and have a hard time keeping up with my reading. The book we've been reading, I got really behind all the rest of the group, even though I was loving it. We actually had our final conversation about that book last night. I'm still planning to finish it because it's such a great book, but it's it's hard for me to focus on something that requires focus and thought, and that's new for me. That's very new for me. It's a little unsettling, and it hasn't really gotten better during the pandemic. I kind of thought, "OK, it'll run its course. And when we're moving along on an even keel, we'll be able to shift back." But that really hasn't been the case. I watch a lot more sitcoms now than I've ever watched in my life. A lot more Rupaul's Drag Race than I've ever watched in my life because it requires zero focus, you know?
Trying to figure out how to stay connected with friends and family when we can't really gather in the spaces. It's hard to claim that as something of mine because I know that we're all going through that. I cook a lot more than I used to, which is fun. I enjoy that. In fact, one of my great — I think regret is probably too strong a word — but when I'm in my mode, doing my thing and rehearsing at night, never home, I always hate not having a chance to cook and I miss it. So I have more than made up for that in the past year. I did a lot of baking early on, which I think a lot of people were doing. I never made sourdough. I know that was the big thing for a while. But I think that baking is one of the most restorative, zen things to do and I just love it. And you end up with cookies or cake and muffins or what have you when you're done.
Casey: Is that kind of the way you've been filling your creativity cup? How have you been feeling creative during all this?
Freddie: That's a hard question to answer. To be perfectly honest, I haven't felt very creative during this time, and that's also difficult to deal with. Most of my energy has been focused on more of the sort of producorial side of things. I don't think I've directed anything since the pandemic started. It's all been other directors working on projects. I did Dramaturg, a new play project, at the Kennedy Center last summer in a virtual workshop and had an amazing experience with the playwright, director, and cast on that. We ended up doing a reading of that play at Actor's Express in the fall, too, because I was so taken with it and the writer. So I think that was a great creative outlet.
In another way, being on the board of the National New Play Network has also been very satisfying. It's not directly creative in that I'm not making work. But in June I became the president of the board and it was at a time in which we were embarking on a process to create an anti-racism and anti-bias commitment to action. This is a national board made up of colleagues from around the country, and we took just under six months to complete that process. So it was a very detailed, very rigorous process. Along the way there were some disagreements about the way certain things should be worded or not worded, but it ultimately, every step of the way, was a very rich process. I felt beyond grateful to be part of it, let alone to be leading the process with the rest of the board. It can be stressful having that position, particularly at a time when the organization is in the midst of significant change. But it's also one of the most deeply rewarding things that I've ever done. I love that organization. I've been a part of it since I arrived at Actor's Express in 2007, and the way it has facilitated the careers of playwrights, the connections and friendships and colleagueships that I've been able to make, the way the theater now has friends and colleagues around the country in a way that we wouldn't without the network, that's all deeply satisfying. So that's something that has given me a lot of joy, if also a lot of stress.
Casey: It sounds like you've been ultra-productive in this time when the theater isn't doing a season like it normally would and you're not directing the way you normally would. How do you find the motivation to do these things when you're not in your element like you were before?
Freddie: I think it's precisely because we're not in our element and there is that need to do good work and to stay connected with audiences. I think, at first, the impulse was more about, "Don't let people forget us." I think a lot of theaters maybe felt that way. That was part of that initial panic about what might happen to our industry or to our individual organizations or our respective organizations. I think over time, and not over a lot of time — I think this happened quickly and it also happened during the summer of racial reckoning — we began to see that we had this opportunity to really connect with people in a different way and, as I said earlier, refocus and recommit to our missions. So that has been rewarding. That is something that makes you want to push forward and remember that we are going to be back at some point. That goalpost has moved a number of times, but it's never been torn down.
Casey: I hope this doesn't come out the wrong way. You seem to fall right back into this PR frame of speaking. It sounds very like you are very put together and have it all planned out and figured out. I wonder if it feels good to be talking about the theater or if it feels weird?
Freddie: No, it feels good. It feels really good. I'm not meaning to sound like I'm speaking PR babble. It's all stuff that I feel, truly.
Casey: You just put it together so very, very beautifully.
Freddie: Thank you.
Casey: Sounds very rehearsed. I'm sure it's not, but it sounds like it.
Freddie: You know, Susan Booth is my spirit animal.
Casey: Oh, I believe that.
Freddie: And she always sounds so polished and prepared when speaking completely extemporaneously. When I first started working for her, when she came to the Alliance in 2001, that was one of the things about her I most admired, among many others, because I respect her beyond measure. And it was something that I wanted to cultivate in myself because I so respected and admired that quality she had to be able to distill ideas and thoughts into something really digestible in the moment. So I kind of tried to train my brain to work that way.
Casey: You spoke about missing movies, but is there anything else that you are surprised that you miss?
Freddie: Well, not that I'm surprised, but I miss my family. I miss my nieces and nephews. I miss my dad. I miss my siblings. I miss that a lot.
I guess if I'm thinking about things that I'm more surprised about, one of the things I miss really badly is travel. I'm not a regular world-traveler, but I go to different cities between five and 10 times a year, which is not huge, but it's enough that I'm always seeing new things. I have this little tradition. When I go to a conference in the city I've never been to, I always build in time on my travel itinerary to make sure I go check out at least one art museum. I miss discovering new museums. I miss that view off to the left as you're about to land in LaGuardia of the Manhattan skyline. I miss that feeling when you're in the cab and you just get into Times Square and you see all of the lights and you think of all the history that's there and what that little strip of intersections of streets has seen over the years. I'm such a sentimental person. Every time I go there — and I go to New York at least twice a year — every time riding into Times Square or stepping into Times Square for the first time feels like the first time, every time. It never gets old. Now, after I'm there for about ten minutes, I'm like, "Oh, my God, the tourists. Make it stop." But there's just something special about the mythology of that place that always inspires me in that instant when you first arrive. I miss that.
I'm really surprised how much I miss simple things like eating in restaurants, sitting in a coffee shop, meeting a friend for a cup of coffee in a coffee shop and just sitting with them. Anytime someone asks for a meeting or we're going to talk about something, whatever it is, I always say, "Let's meet at a coffee shop" because I think it's always more pleasant to talk business over coffee and a pastry. In fact, I used to call Amelie's French Bakery the Actors Express meeting room. Of course, it's closed down during the pandemic. So I miss that. I miss having a coffee with a friend.
I miss seeing the faces of my students. I teach at Kennesaw State and I generally teach freshman acting. This semester I'm teaching intermediate acting, and the students out there have been so amazing about how they have taken the virus protocols seriously and the integrity they're bring into the classroom. … Acting with a face being covered — there is something in the connection, I think, that is lost that's not only person-to-person, but I could actually watch it play out. I have students who are doing really thoughtful, intelligent, mature work, and I know that without the masks it could be something more. I feel for theatre students right now because I think so much of the way we are forced to do things and the way we had to adapt in some instances might not fully come to bear on their careers in the future when things are back to whatever kind of normal they'll go back to. It's a challenging time. I do think that people are resilient and people will bounce back and make up for all of that over time. But in the moment, I miss it a lot.
Casey: What do you find yourself thinking about after all this time in the pandemic?
Freddie: I think about how much grace we need to extend to others. People have had their nerves raw and have struggled in different ways, and it reminds me, specifically, that I need to remember to extend grace when I can…
I had a conversation with an NNPN board member earlier this week about, "Let's assume the best in each other," because they had been involved in a moment of tension with another person in the organization that needn't have been tense. I had to sort of gently say, "Let's think about how we deal with these kinds of things in the moment and assume the best in each other at all times, because we're all friends, we're all colleagues, and we're all on the same side of things, ultimately." … There's that old adage that everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle. That is especially, acutely true right now, and I think it will be for some time as people kind of unfurl a little bit back into what feels natural. If somebody's got a piece of sculpted foam or something that you've squeezed, sometimes it takes a while for it to retake its shape after it's been squashed.
Casey: Depressurized.
Freddie: That's what people are going to be going through, I think, as we're coming out of this, and some of it may not go away. So we have to take care of each other. We have to be kind. One of the things I learned, or that I thought about when Alan Stiefel passed away was how, in every situation — didn't matter what was going on — he was consistently, unfailingly kind. That is what I most admire in him. So why don't I try to emulate some of that? I try to be kind, but it was such a reminder of just how important it is. It's the most important thing.
Casey: I we can take Alan's unconditional kindness into the future, that would be the greatest.
Freddie: I know how cliche it can sound when someone has passed away and you are discussing some of their better points and how you hope to instill them into your own life, or what have you, carry them forward. I do reflect on that anytime I lose someone who's close to me. I think we all do. I think it's natural to do that. But in that case, in the case of Alan, it is so immediate, that feeling, because I don't think I've ever known anybody as unconditionally or unfailingly kind as Alan. And I've known a lot of kind, wonderful, marvelous people.
Editor’s note: For those who did not have the delight of knowing Alan Steifel, please read more about his life and legacy here.
