Denis Arribas
@denisetheawesome thinking about how she is about to give me the biggest cookie I’ve ever seen.
-Theatre-
Denise was waiting for me out front when I pulled up to her house. She had pulled out a stool and put in in the middle of her yard for me and was excited to tell me she had read my instructions on not too get too fancily dressed.
“I really tried to pick things that didn’t go together too well.”
We got situated and got started.
Interviewed 5.23.20
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
Casey: How are you?
Denise: I'm good. I mean, I feel like throughout the whole time I've had all the stages of grief. At the beginning I felt like I was going through all those stages of grief, like per day, and there was a lot of, "Oh, I'm going to do this, but then I can't because I really just want to go to bed." Or, "I'm really going to work out, but I can't because I feel like I can't move." I think you got out of that, at least I did, after the first two weeks.
Later, finding other venues of staying connected and being creative to some extent and just finding the, like people say, the new normal. Then it became a little bit easier. Still challenging. I find that I have anxiety on the days that there is a new thing that came out, like the governor wants to open up. And people are - like when things feel threatened to me, then that day is an anxious day. I just have to take it one day at a time.
Casey: What do you feel like your prevailing emotion is today?
Denise: Today I'm on a "get stuff done" day. Yes. Today I had a good workout with my boot camp group via Zoom. I already walked Gabby, I already did laundry and folded it, which the folding part is the challenge. I took a shower. I'm doing this with you, and then I have to do like one of those little videos for a Latina group, and they'll put it together and everybody's fighting or whatever. So, yeah. So today feels like a good day.
Casey: Good.
Denise: I've had more good days than bad. I have to say that I've counted it, but as someone who's so—not fun, but like I find myself as fun and happy-go-lucky and upbeat—to have had at least seven rough depression days. That was alarming to me, finding all that newness.
Casey: We're on week 10 and you've only had seven sad days, that's pretty good.
Denise: Right?
Casey: I have at least one a week. How's your family? How's your family holding up?
Denise: My sister is good. You know, Ari, she's good. She's actually enjoyed being a homeschooling mom. I talk to them often, and then my family in Puerto Rico. It's been odd to hear that their rules are strict, more strict than the ones that we have. Because, you know, all my whole life, Puerto Rico and their rules is like . . . my first drink was at 13 at a pub because who cares in Puerto Rico. Then to know that they had a curfew, these are the only people that are allowed at this store, you have to do these things. It may actually be relaxed and happier for them, you know, because they didn't need another problem in their way.
Then the biggest challenge has been with my mom because she is at a senior community, and my mom has advanced Alzheimer's, so I can't see her. I have not been able to see her. They have FaceTime, but when you don't know what a phone is and what a screen is and when you can't . . . my mom has something that is called tunnel vision, and it's a marker of people with Alzheimer's and it's like literally she can see just this much. So it's hard for her, like nothing else she can see. And it's not her vision, per se, it's just how the dementia shows through her eyes. So through the screen, we've done FaceTime. We do FaceTime at least three times a week and it is like a little production of having to have different songs that I can sing to really loudly. You see her like she's not—nothing is showing up on her. She's not registering anything.
Then when I start the music and singing as loud as I can—this is a one woman show for a one woman—then she comes to life and you hear her with a three second delay of her singing loudly on the other side, too, and you see her dancing. So that has been some sort of connection. But it's been hard because I can also tell that she's declining cognitively because her love language, her language, period right now, it's touch and Spanish, and she's not getting either one of those unless we're talking loudly on the phone. So I think that has been the biggest challenge and not allowing myself to think of the what if. What if something happens to her and she can't communicate and I'm not there to see it?. Or what if she has some sort of bruise and I can't check her? What happens if . . . Like all those what ifs. That has been just hard. That has been the biggest challenge to me.
Casey: When was the last time you saw her in person?
Denise: I saw her in person March 12th. Yeah.
Casey: I'm assuming since she doesn't, she's having trouble with the technology, she doesn't really understand what's going on?
Denise: She doesn't know anything about Covid, no. She seems happy, which is good. There are some days that upset, and she's just sobbing in bed, which is not a horrible thing for a patient with dementia because at least they're feeling something and they're responding to some sort of stimulus. And that's okay. There's a lot of sadness that lives in your body, when you can't connect to why you feel the sadness it's just sadness. So that emotion just comes in tears. That was the hardest thing, because if that happens in person, I can hold her and it goes away. At least, you know, you can only hope. And here it’s just I'm going to watch you and we're going to sing and we'll see what happens. So that has been the challenge. And not knowing when will it be over.
Casey: Yeah. When you'll be able to go back to see her. That's heartbreaking, I'm sorry.
Denise: Thank you. They started doing window visits, but I can't. To me, it would be harder because the confusion would be more. I don't want to rile her up where she's so confused by it. It affects me more. It's counterproductive.
Casey: Yeah. That's hard.
Denise: You know how Humans of New York have these little things, the way that they structure it? I wanted to tell you a little story.
Casey: Okay, I can't wait.
Denise: The story is that my mom was always . . . she wasn't a gardener, but she loved plants and we always had plants all around us at my house. Her appreciation for beauty has always been there, and this flower is beautiful, and we always had water, some sort of fountain. When I bought this house, having her here with me, she was declining. I thought that it would be great for us to do yard work. We started there and I bought some packets of seeds that we were going to plant and I bought some flowers. When she was helping me I discovered that she had declined more because she couldn't even figure out what was the plant and what was the weed and it was just so sad. We enjoyed it, but it was like—oh. It was what it was and we planted this stuff and she appreciated the beauty of what we had planted. But I was like, there's no way we're going to plant these seeds today.
Then, while cleaning the house because we're in quarantine, so what else are we gonna do? I found two packets of seeds that had obviously—I don't know if they went bad, but the deadline or the "best by" was like 2018, and I was like, oh well fuck. So I cleaned that out and I was like, well, I don't have anything to put in there. So I'm going to put the seeds and see what happens because they're free. It's either nothing or nothing, and they started to grow.
Casey: Let's see.
Denise: I'll show you.These. So I started to pluck this stuff, and then when I went to do this one, I was like, oh, no, wait, those are the actual plant.
Casey: What plant is it?
Denise: It's like chrysanthemum or something like that, but these are my babies, and although I can't be with my mom, this is the closest. So I just, you know, somehow every time I see them, I feel like this is the gift from the world, from the universe, to still feel somehow connected to her. For all I know, you know, a month from now, it could just be more weeds. It could be these beautiful flowers or just more weed that I decided to hang on to.
Casey: Who knows, I think that's lovely. You sound like you're holding it together. That's hard. What you're going through with your mom already and not being able to see her is, I can only imagine, so much worse. You seem to be in good spirits today.
Denise: Today is a good day.
Casey: What have you been doing in quarantine?
Denise: Eating. So last year I decided to quit drinking. I would have a drink here and a drink there, but not my everyday drink because I loved it. But I felt like there was a moment that I needed to stop. So the first two weeks of quarantine, there was a lot of drinking, there was a lot of regular drinking. But I'm back at trying to stay as A.F. as possible.
The organization that I work for called Humorology Atlanta, we stopped our visits at the hospital on March 16th. The second that everything canceled, we had to postpone them, and immediately I sent an email to one of my ladies at the hospital. I was like, how can we create content that is virtual content that we can either send or how can we have this interaction? We've been creating a whole bunch of videos that are clown videos that go on our Facebook. I'm the social media marketing coordinator that does all that. So that has kept me really busy. It's my job multiplied by three. So being able to do that. Then we decided to create virtual home visits to the kids that are sick at home, but they're not at the hospital, but they're at home. Giving Tuesday was something that then I was able to funnel our fundraising efforts to go to virtual home visits and that was awesome. I've never been prouder of an idea that I've had because it worked. We started offering them last week and almost all of the appointments were full. We're seeing kids that are still, like they're in cancer remission or that we saw them often at the hospital. You're able to now say, "Oh, my gosh, you look great. It's so good to see you,” and then clown for them in their own habitat. It's been awesome.
Casey: I've been seeing the videos and they're awesome. Very sweet. How is your motivation to create holding up?
Denise: What I've tried to do is truly wait for it to happen. I go into my walks—I call them just my “staying sane walks”—and I can have either a walking date, which is that I'll call you and we'll talk for an hour, or I'll just go by myself with Gabby. I feel weird walking without a dog. So Gabby is always involved. In those walks or taking a shower, whatever arises, then I will try to make it happen. What I haven't done is put myself the pressure to do it or try to recreate something that has already been created because I didn't want Denise's version to be the generic version of someone else's idea. But the main thing that I had to fight with was the anxiety to feel like I needed to create something and being able to be like “when it comes, it will come, and that will be great,” and if it doesn't, the day will start again tomorrow.
So I was able to do a quick video for Super Jenny that had two Denise's, one singing melody and the other one singing harmony. I try to do it right away, like put it on paper or put it on video right away so the idea doesn't get stale and I don't get bored by it because I'll overthink it. Then with a lot of the H.A. Stuff, I've just been able to do it but in clown. It has made me just happy to be able to channel the frustrations through another character that has no problems. Yes, because my clown . . . I hate when people talk about their character in third person. "Well, when my clown was feeling..." Anyway, my clown has no problems, she has no bills, she's not in quarantine, she doesn't care. So it's been great to have that as an outlet.
Casey: To be able to just disappear into her a little bit is probably pretty great. So what do you miss besides theatre? Besides, you know, the work, is there anything that you're like, "Well, when I can do that again, all is well?”
Denise: I miss touching. I miss hugging. My friend Bethany, you know Bethany Arby? She's this awesome woman. She is an actress in town and she's a mom. About three weeks or two weeks within the quarantine, her little girl came and knocked on my door. It's the first stranger that I've seen, that is not Daniel. I saw herand it was the most beautiful and devastating thing that I've ever experienced, because I love seeing people. I hate not being able to hug. I like hugs. I like touching. I'm Latina so that's, you know, most of it. That's my love language. But I never thought that it was going to hurt in such a cellular level of making you choke up. So I miss that. But I'm grateful for other ways that I feel more connected, like I've talked on the phone with my friends more than I would have talked to them in person. Or I like the collective of a lot of people that started watching the same show like Tiger King. If we wouldn't have been quarantined, there's no way we would have all watched that.
Casey: Nope.
Denise: I like a lot of intellectual ideas of “this is what we do” and explaining the educational level of, for example, clowning or musical theatre. But to sit down and do some sort of expert teaching, for example, the Alliance has been doing a whole bunch of Zooms.
Casey: I've been watching those, yeah.
Denise: Again, I don't think we would have had that if it wasn't for what we are experiencing. I am grateful for that expert knowledge that has been given to us via the internet that we wouldn't have been getting otherwise because no one was going to be not busy enough to do it, and no one was going to be not busy enough to listen to it.
Casey: I think you're right. We're all taking the time to listen. Be a little bit kinder, a little bit more forgiving of people's knowledge or their time or their biases. What are you hoping to take out of this? Once we go forward into a post quarantine life, what do you think this experience will have given you?
Denise: I read a lot and I follow The Nap Ministry on Instagram. I would hate for the world to open up and for all of us to get back on our hamster wheel and not to stop and smell the flowers that we have. It was kind of a byproduct of what happened, but it's been a beautiful byproduct that the world still continues and that you don't have to be so busy that you cannot notice that bird, you know.
I've also had the question of, I don't know if nature is louder now or I've just finally stopped to listen? I've been struggling with that answer. Granted, I've had snakes and coyotes and the deer just walked by the other day in the middle of Atlanta. This is like mid-Atlanta. Well, east Atlanta. I've loved that. The birds are so loud and I don't know if it's that I'm staying in bed a little bit longer in the mornings. And I have owls that are ginormous that decide to do their mating call at 11:00 p.m., but I don't want to lose that appreciation for our surroundings, and having to go back to I'm so busy. Busy, busy, busy. Because things can wait. There has to be an amount of pausing and rest that we can incorporate. I think there's a lot of things that I miss. But there is a lot of things that I don't, and I don't want to go back to that. I hope that nobody does.
Denise’s mom listening to her on FaceTime
