Clara Ember
@youcancallmelucks on her front steps
-Literature-
Clara was my first poet. She was also one of the first people to sign up to chat that I didn’t know at all. I have a circle of theatre people I’ve been desperately trying to break out of for this and it seemed like it worked pretty early on. Yay!
What I love about that is the new friendships. As soon as we finished she asked if we could be friends. Uh, duh! That is part of the project’s core; to create new connections. Not just for me but for everyone who shares and reads these.
I look forward to our coffee date after this is all over Clara.
Interviewed 5.23.20
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
Casey: So first and foremost, how are you doing?
Clara: Today's a really good day. It's gorgeous. My plants are doing really well. My husband and I, just on a whim, decided to ditch having a living room and make it a studio instead. So we're padding the floor, all temporary stuff, and putting a frame in for a yoga trapeze and just toys.
Because we're inside for the foreseeable future. And honestly, if we don't acclimate, we're going to go insane. So we are just trying to make this space as creative and energetic as possible. To keep us inspired.
Casey: I love that. Who needs to sit around?
Clara: We're way too energetic. We're a really energetic couple. He's an illustrator as well. So we're both artists and both love the outdoors and stuff. So everything is kind of about that creative flow. So we've just been working to build it in the apartment because we're not used to being stuck inside like this. Like we're introverts but we're not this introverted. You know? There's a difference.
And this is not it. And he works from home now. So with everything going on and all of the decision-making that has been happening, we are staying inside for the foreseeable future. Because it looks like a smart option, and we may be wrong, but I feel like better safe than sorry at this point. And we can. So we do.
So, yes, today's really good. We have a lot of energy today and hopefully, the changes we're making will just kind of keep that [going].
Casey: Sure. What have you been doing in quarantine besides turning your living room into a studio?
Clara: I've been writing a lot. Not very much professionally. Just a lot more journaling. I seem to be really in the midst of processing everything going on and trying to figure out where I am now. Everything is kind of crazy and I've gotten really ungrounded. So, I mean, there's a lot of journaling. I've been practicing a lot of yoga on the porch. Because if I don't move, I just get stuck. And once I'm stuck, that downward spiral starts.
Yeah, mostly writing, mostly yoga. Plants, the plants are a new hobby. This is the first time I've ever kept plants alive. I'm really proud of them. I usually would have killed them all by now.
Casey: Well, now you have time to water them and watch them like they need, I guess,
Clara: And pay attention to them.
So we're just trying to make the best of it. We're trying to stay on top of the things that we know we like. But, you know, that's hard, you forget you like them sometimes.
Casey: Do you think it might be you’re discovering that your "likes" are maybe something a little different?
Clara: That's definitely part of it. Or just realizing, too, that under this much pressure, we're kind of different people as well. It sort of forces you to come back to Ground Zero and really recognize your own needs and the needs of whoever you're intimate with at the time.
We had a whole discussion about this this morning because we literally just decided to let go of the idea that it's a living room. Because for the foreseeable future, we're not allowed to have people over. But we had to reach a point where we could recognize that we needed to let that go and fill a different need because the needs are changeing. Right? Because everything's changing. So the needs and what you want is kind of shifting with what's going on around you. So, yeah, definitely.
Casey: So how are people like in your circle? How is your family dealing with this? How are they right now? Is everybody kind of following guidelines or are people, you know, whatever?
Clara: Everyone that I am close to are following guidelines the best they can.
My dad just got out of surgery in the hospital. He is 73 and had to have spinal surgery. He's home now and safe. But it was stressful because, you know, you have to be in the hospital, which is not really the safest place to be in the middle of a pandemic. So we'll see what comes of that. Everyone I know is following guidelines.
Some of my friends, their lives haven’t really changed. I have a really close friend who is a landscaper. So she doesn't interact with people much anyway. She just goes to their homes and works on their property so she was considered essential. So her lifestyle didn't really change much except for, you know, isolating outside of that. But it's strange. It's strange to see.
My family is safe so far. I'm really happy with my dad. So my dad and my step mom live in Tuscaloosa. I'm from Alabama. And I was really worried about my dad because he is conservative and 73 years old. And "don't tell me what to do. I like to do my own thing". And I was really worried when all this started that he just wasn't... that he wasn't gonna care, you know? But my stepmom has been very influential in that. So he's been really taking good precautions.
He calls me and tells me all about it and sends me some random quarantine videos that he found online, because even isolation has made my 73 year old father start browsing the Internet just a little bit against his better judgment I think. But I've gotten some cute videos out of it.
Casey: What do you think you miss the most about before quarantine?
Clara: Honestly, right now, it's backpacking. It is the height of the season. It's perfect. We have all of our gear and we just can't. The trails aren't clear enough. People aren't being safe enough. Never mind you have to stop at gas stations and businesses along the way if you are going to do anything serious. And for any of the remote hikes that we would be doing, we would have trained for at this point. So we also can't just go disappear in wilderness for three or four days because we aren't anywhere in shape to do that right now. So it's definitely the backpacking.
And I miss my friends. I do. I miss coffee shops really badly. But I love the outdoors and I love being in the woods. It's not just like outside, it's being away from all of this. And it's just not advisable right now. Which means if things keep going the way they are going, we'll probably have to say goodbye to the whole season. That's going to hurt. It's going to hurt when the weather starts to get cool again, and I realize that my spring and summer camping trips just disappeared.
Casey: I understand that. What do you think this has done for your creative motivations?
Clara: It is honing them. For a while, it wasn't. I was really depressed and upset. And that still happens. I still have days where, honestly, I lay on the floor and cry. It is worth it. But now that we've been in it a little bit, and I'm starting to accept that this is reality for now, I have been working on some projects with the intention of releasing them in the spring. And obviously, those deadlines are gone. But I started working on the project again.
And my work is much more focused now. I'm honestly a little surprised. I wasn't necessarily expecting this. But all of this has sort of calmed the inner monologue. Because eventually you can only get so stressed out. And I have always struggled with really bad anxiety, really bad depression. And so what's happening now doesn't feel as different as the rest of my life has. It's just on a much broader scale now. And that required adjusting. But honestly, it's just made it really clear that creativity is what I do. You know, it's really focused it and focused my will and my desires.
We were talking about wants changing… if there was ever any question that this is the path for me, it's gone. Because this is the thing that keeps me going. Whenever I start to panic, I pull out my journal and I just start writing. And by the time I'm done, I feel grounded. I have calmed down and I'm ready to move forward. Even though the journaling is private, you know, writing is writing. It's a craft. And so whenever you practice in one area, it gets better in all of them. It's simplified. You know, it's no longer, "Oh, what tone am I writing this particular thing in? How am I using my language?" I'm just sitting down and putting pen to paper. And it's interesting in a way, because I kind of go with it. And I knew that was how it was supposed to work. I mean, that's what they all say, right? That's what all the greats say. You just sit down and do the work and don't worry about the rest. And you hear it a million times, but it's different when you feel it and nothing else matters. Just the work.
Casey: That's really great to hear. That you're taking this really awful time and turning it into something very productive which is great. I love that.
Clara: It doesn't make me crazy?
Casey: Of course not. Are you kidding? That's why I'm doing this, because I was sitting at home crying on the floor for days, and I was like I have to go do something. I have to be creative. I have to continue to do what I love to do. Otherwise, I'm going to go insane. So I one hundred percent understand.
Clara: It suddenly becomes very all or nothing. Where you're like, “All right. This is the thing that makes my life worth living. Like this is what I have to do or I'm literally just going to lose it all.”
Casey: And we've never had an opportunity to see what it's like if you lost it all. Like so many of us have, especially the creatives, which is why this project is so important.
Clara: Oh, I love it. As soon as I saw it. Because this is history. You know? This is history. It's something I've been thinking about with journaling a lot is you know, I'm writing during this crazy time. And you know how all of us artists are. We're all egotistical. And I just look at it and I'm like, "Oh!"
Casey: Someone's going to read this one day!
Clara: Yeah! It will be studied as one of the like writings of the pandemic. That whole fantasy right? And it makes me smile because it's making me a better writer. But it's making me better because I'm like, "OK, well, if somebody was reading this about these times, what would I want them to know? And how well do I want them to understand what I'm saying?”
So it puts it in a different context of, you know, one day this writing might actually be important and not just to me. So let me put effort into it and really practice my details.
Casey: So kind of in summation, what are you going to take out of this? What are you going to have learned or gained from this experience, and what would you want to remember? It might be too early to tell. But I'm going to hope that we're over halfway through. So I'm going to say, what are you going to take out of this?
Clara: Look, I will never contradict your optimism. We need it. We need the optimism to get through it. Yeah, we'll keep it.
Casey: Okay, great.
Clara: Honestly, it's that I need to quit waiting around so much. I am a deeply introverted person. And I have been an incredibly anxious human for as long as I can remember. I started having panic attacks when I was about five or six. And I just never really stopped. So I have lived for the most part in general terror of people and the loudness of the outside world, which is a bit I guess, contradictory since I moved to one of the busiest cities in the world.
I'm generally led by curiosity, so I wanted to be in the interesting place.
But, you know, suddenly forced isolation just took all of the ability to socialize away and socializing had terrified me for a really long time. Right? And also exhausts me. But I think part of that is my own self-consciousness. I'm exhausting myself by keeping such a tight hold on myself and social interactions. And it's just not worth it anymore.
My energy has become so focused with all of this that I think I'm just kind of done questioning myself to that extent because it's not worth it. You know, it really isn't. And I don't want to sit around and wait to feel better about that sort of thing anymore. I'm really tired of missing out on opportunities because of it. So I think this will serve as a reminder that I will benefit from being bolder and less afraid.
Casey: We were all forced to be afraid. And you're realizing that's not the right choice. Even if it protects us, sometimes you gotta go out and try to do something scary. Especially creatives.
Clara: I mean, it is how we live. It's always in that battle, right? It's like, can you be creative without being curious? I really don't think so. And so I've been constantly afraid and also constantly curious. So if you look at the course of events in my life, what you'll see is whichever one was dictating it but you then see them just flip back and forth. Which decision was that? Was that terror or was that fascination?
Casey: Is there anything else you would want to share or that you'll want to remember?
Clara: Community. Community and understanding that community is messy. And that's OK.
Casey: Are you proud of our community right now?
Clara: I'm proud of my immediate one. My friend group particularly is holding together very well. I'm incredibly proud of all of them. They are trying their best to balance reason and fear and safety and all the emotions. And for the most part, they're being really open about that. My friends and I have been very honest with each other. It's been really cool to see the vulnerability and the resulting comfort.
I mean, it's definitely. I don't know. The kind people are getting a lot more bold with their kindness. And I feel like it's kind of because they have to at this point. It's a really beautiful thing to see and I like that. Even just walking. The strangers that you're walking past on the street are just smiling more. Right? Like, I feel like people are kind of going out of their way to be like, "Hey, I'm sad. I'm pretty sure you're sad. So I'm going to like, look at you and smile and try to make you feel a little bit better. And maybe you'll smile back and I'll feel a little bit better."
Because the hate is so vocal, the kindness is rising to meet it. Staying quiet isn't really an option anymore. It maybe should never have been an option. I don't really know.
And now you're having to be vocal and for better or worse. It's where we are. And as a writer, I like it. That doesn't mean it's good or bad it just means that it's interesting. And worth writing about.
