Bryn Striepe
@bryn_s on her very sunny porch amongst her plants holding her hand made mask.
-Theatre-
I walked up to Bryn’s porch right from the street. She had been waiting for me on her very sunny porch on a pretty busy corner. Although we were exposed to the world, as soon as we starting chatting amongst her garden and patio furniture, I felt like we were back in a rehearsal hall together chatting about the crazy world around us.
Like Parris, Bryn was in my first show in Atlanta post apprenticeship and played one of my best friends. Talking to her immediately takes me back to a time where I was vulnerable and self-conscious and Bryn has a way of dissolving that for me. She is ultra authentic and I find that reassuring. I think most people do.
Interviewed 5.19.20
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
Casey: So how are you?
Bryn: I'm doing OK.
Casey: Yeah?
Bryn: Yeah.
Casey: What's the general feeling? I'm sounding very light about it, but really I understand. Shit sucks.
Bryn: It's kind of sad because I've noticed some things. On unemployment with the extra benefit, I make more money than I do when I work, which is really sad. And I've been like, totally killing myself, working all these different jobs, some of which, of course, I really love. But just the effort and then to see the return on that, comparative, I guess, is kind of like, "Oh, no!" And then also I want to be anxious about things even when I have nothing to be anxious about. I was creating all these things to freak out about when this is actually a time I don't need to do that at all. So it's good to notice that's a habit.
But otherwise, it's been actually really nice to just focus on the things that I always say that I would do, like writing and just enjoying the present moments and not being so scared about the future all the time. Even though that's definitely there in a very big way. The pro and con is that I can't do anything about it.
Casey: What do you feel like you're anxious about that you shouldn't be anxious about?
Bryn: Like, for instance, I'm taking an acting class on camera. It's not the audition circuit or anything like that, it's something that's supposed to be nice that I enjoy. Because that's my only outlet, I'm stressing out about it more than I need to. And I'm not sure why I'm doing that, but... I guess because I'm hard on myself. And so that makes it more clear that I need that anxiety because I'm scared if there's not that structure, that it's all going to disappear. But it hasn't. And I still do work and I still exist and I haven't just fallen into a pit.
Casey: What have you been doing in quarantine? So you take that class. You're dealing with all your plants out here. What else are you doing?
Bryn: I've taken two different acting classes now. I've been doing a bunch of webinar things and like Steppenwolf has a writing series that they're doing. I've been writing stuff with this group.
Casey: What kind of stuff have you been writing?
Bryn: Well, I have the first draft of this short screenplay that's about 40 pages that's about boomer versus millennial mentality, but in a more personal way.
And I'm also trying to work on this kind of sci-fi thing. I think everyone has a story that they think of since they were young. And so that's kind of mine. So as I look back at my notes, some of it's like, “OK, that was teen angst very clearly. Maybe that won't make it to the final draft.” But there's a lot of stuff in there that is really interesting. And I'm using it as an opportunity even though I don't have a deadline or I don't know that anyone's ever gonna read anything of it. But just like research things I think are interesting, like smart cities and stuff like that, and trying to build this utopia idea, which is hard. No one's been able to figure it out and I don't think I will. But it's fun to look at our current world and the things that are wrong and try to think about the positive of how you could fix it rather than just screaming in your head.
Casey: What's your favorite fix that you think you'll write about in your utopia?
Bryn: I've been thinking about pod communities. Like when we are all a part of this one greater thing, like the bigger that group gets, the more small we feel within it. And so I was thinking of separating things out into more little groups and yes, you can move between them, but kind of making sure that each person lives a life that they feel fulfilled in. And kind of looking at a society as a human body. Everything working together, even if it has different focuses and allowing people to do things that they care about. Finding applications of those things in a way that's important. So it's like storytellers helping to create fulfilling lives for people that feel lost. You know, like using those sort of skills practically and kind of extrapolating out on that.
Casey: That's brilliant.
Bryn: I mean, it's a bunch of index cards on my wall right now. So don't say anything yet.
Casey: My lips are sealed. What are you finding compelling about creating in this time? Because some people I've spoken to are really motivated and a lot of people I talked to are like, "I don't want to do anything." It sounds like you're working. So what are you finding freeing and helpful during this time?
Bryn: Well, it's kind of like I first started from a place of “I feel like I need to be working because I said I would and this is my identity as a person. I'm an artist and I will force that down anyone's throat who disagrees with me and prove them wrong.”
And then I got really down and overwhelmed with everything and just kind of let that all go. And now I'm just trying to create what I feel like or actually wanting to be the motivator rather than feeling like I need to, which is constantly a thing of like, “No, stop doing that” when I'm sitting in bed playing Animal Crossing and it's like, “No, I should be writing right now.” It's like, "No. Play Animal Crossing. This is the time to do that." So finding that balance so it's not work is what I'm focusing on.
I mean, sometimes I'm like, “Oh, I'm definitely out here gardening when I thought I was going to be writing.” But I'm trying to just let myself off the hook about it. And even though I start to get a little anxious, it's fine, I will get to it when it's the right time to get to it. So it's a learning curve. I'm trying to strengthen my muscles with that. And I'm not perfect.
Casey: The fact that you're still finding time and energy and the motivation to do it in general is really important. How's your family doing?
Bryn: They're good. They're all in California. My poor brother. He is twenty-six. And he was trying to move out of my parents' house. He'd saved up money, but he's stuck with 'em for a while now. But it's been good because my dad is super obsessed with Animal Crossing. He's the reason why I'm playing it, because he like basically foisted it on me. But because of that, I'm talking to him all the time now. I talk with my parents a lot more than I have before. And so even though my dad loves talking about the weather in Animal Crossing more than he likes talking about real things, it's nice to be able to focus on turnip prices rather than like, “Oh, we may all get sick and die.”
So they're ok.
Casey: I think that is my favorite thing that I've heard in all the interviews that I've done. So we talked about how you create. Are you taking any time during all of this to find any new or reinvent any old habits or sacred spaces in your home in order to focus on yourself and to grow yourself?
Bryn: I've had this old yoga mat for a long time, and you can see the shadow of my body on it. Like all the dirt on my hands and my feet and my butt. There's a perfect imprint and it's like some sort of creepy, dirty inkblot. And I've always been like, “Oh, I don't have the money to replace this yoga mat, even though I use it all the time.” It's like the weirdest things that you choose to get hung up on money, you know. So I finally bought a new yoga mat because I'm using it all the time, even if it's just to sit on and cry. But I'm using it.
So I tried to open a kombucha thing. It's sprayed literally all over my house, I opened it in the kitchen sink and it ended up like on my puzzle everywhere. And it got all over the yoga mat. And I was like, “Well, that's it. I'm done. That's my limit. So I'm treating myself to a nice yoga mat.” I'm trying to look at that as like a fun positive thing rather than like, “Oh, I have to work out now.” You know, I'm like luring myself with a treat too, like, "Come sit on the yoga mat!" I spent three hours, researching every single yoga mat. The pros and cons of all of them, reading the yoga Reddit thing.
Casey: What did you end up with? Like what is the best yoga mat in your opinion?
Bryn: Well, apparently it depends on if you do hot yoga or not. I do not. It depends on how much you sweat and all this stuff. So I kind of tended not towards that and one that's just for at home. There are a lot of different options and a lot of them are sold out right now, which is sad.
Casey: What do you miss the most about the time before?
Bryn: “In the before times…” I feel like I'm doing a lot of second-guessing of my interactions with people because they're over Zoom and I miss just being able to feel when you were in sync with people. I feel like it's harder to get in sync when it's over Zoom. So not having to expend that extra effort.
And eating a bunch of tasty food at restaurants and exploring places. You can still kind of do some of that, I guess. And also, I mean, of course, live theater. The whole situation is super scary to think about, like how that's going to affect things and thinking about how much being in a crowd, like what that felt like and wondering how that's going to be, how that's going to change, or if it's going to come back. Being in a crowd, like in a concert or in a theater where it's like you feel a wave of feelings like, again, being in sync with other people.
Casey: Do you think you'll rush back to a concert setting or a festival setting when you think you're allowed to or are you gonna be more cautious?
Bryn: Yeah, I'm definitely more cautious. I mean, I would like to live not like "No regrets!" or anything but just not second-guessing my choices ever or wondering if I could have done something more. And I feel like this is a very easy way to do that, especially considering that it's not about what happens to me and my health. It's also about what happens to the health of those around me. So I'm definitely planning on kind of hunkering down for the long term until the experts say it's OK.
Casey: In crowd settings and stuff, since we're talking about that, a friend of mine said he was in the grocery store the other day and having symptoms of claustrophobia in large spaces. Do you think that's going to be a common feeling? Do you think there will be bigger psychological issues than we maybe have imagined there would be? I don't think it's going to be one of those things where you just go back and you mentally are going to be ready to be in a big crowd again.
Bryn: Yeah, I think it's a lot of fear of other people... or not trusting other people. There's the level of it that's like this [a mask] is now a physical indicator of what your thinking is about this situation. And it's a very polarized, politicized sort of issue. So now it's literally like, “Oh, those are the liberal folks” or “Those are the Democratic folks and those are the like Republican folks or the…” you know what I mean? It's just a physical indicator.
So people are already approaching each other and looking at each other with judgments before you've even said anything. And then there's also the fear of like, “I don't want to get too close to you, maybe because I'm afraid that you're sick, maybe because I don't know what you're thinking and I don't want to freak you out and I'm trying to be polite to your space.” But that can also be interpreted in a different way of like, “Oh, you're like freaked out by me” or like, “Oh, you're just a paranoid person”.
I totally get the agoraphobic or claustrophobic thing in the grocery store. I went to Kroger near the beginning of or the middle I would say. And there's people walking around with their masks down or not covering their nose and things like that. And I started to get freaked out, like, I think I can't see a path out of this. And I can see what that probably looks like on the outside too... Of like, "There's something wrong with that person. I don't relate to that person." That's stupid, fearful behavior.
And that's the thing that scares me is that some of us are worried about it and some of us aren't. And it's like if we all had some sort of mutual feeling about that, I think we could exist in space better together. But because of that... it's scary because there's the potential of a confrontation.
Casey: Why do you think we all aren't on a mutual agreement? Do you think it's purely political or do you really think people are just like, "I don't believe this. Not because HE says it doesn't exist, but just because I don't believe in it."
Bryn: Well, I think it has to do with the groups that you're in. And the people around you. I have a friend who I know from the restaurant industry who thinks I am crazy. "Oh, like, you're, like, really taking this seriously. No one else is wearing masks. No one else is quarantining." And I'm like, “Excuse me, everyone that I know is.” And it's like the people that he knows and the circles that he's in and the information that he's got is all leading him towards thinking like, “Oh well this is OK.”
I mean, I think all of us are all kind of machine learning creatures in a way. Like we get information to help us survive and we're trying to operate from the best way we know how with that information. It's just the difference of information and the difference of our groups, be them political, social, socioeconomic, that are really the things that are telling us how to act. We listen more to our friends and our parents and the people that we see around us as our peers than really anyone else. If it was just a political figure saying something, I don't think that would make as much of a difference as the people around you and your group.
Casey: Anything else that you want to share? Get off your chest about this experience and what it's been like for you?
Bryn: Um. I dunno. I guess there's something that's kind of cool about it in that we read about events in history and think of it like, “Oh, I don't understand how someone could live through that or all this stuff.” I feel some sort of connection with previous events in history, even though this is the softball version of that. Like, how nice to stay in your own house and just chill versus the bubonic plague or something. But it's given me insight into how ideas move through people and how that itself is like an infection and how that has been the case all through history in different ways. Like, yes, now we have the news and all the fun things that come along with being able to broadcast information out to different groups of people and having them choose their information. But also, I mean, things used to be just word of mouth. And if a bunch of your neighbors are being like, “Oh, the bubonic plague. It's like the flu.” You know what I mean? Like, it's a similar situation as far as the way the spread of information works. What you choose to believe. And it's kind of cool to recognize that when you're in a big moment because a lot of times you look back and realize it was a big moment. But we know that this is so that's something to reflect on.
Casey: It's brilliant. I love that.
Bryn: I'm smiling. You can't see.
Casey: You know, I'm smiling and you can't see either.
